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September 8, 2008

{     I LOVE The Asylum     }    

Before Be Kind, Rewind there was already a group of fantastically talented and whimsically imaginative filmmakers braving the world of post-modern re-interpretation. They're called The Asylum, and if you haven't seen their work yet, it may be because you're not borderline mentally retarded.

12. High School The Musical :: Sunday School Musical
Just as gay as the original, only way more... Christian? Wait, don't they hate the gay? Hypocrisy aside, this one wins for Most Bestest Ripped-Off Font and Most Lispiest Trailer.

11. Eragon :: Dragon
Dude, they totally changed one letter in the title! Winner of the "Did Somebody Draw That Dragon With Crayons Award" for best Dragon CGI in a dragon-based dragon movie.

10. Pirates of the Caribbean :: Pirates of Treasure Island
A surprising number of The Asylum's films star Lance Henriksen. This beast wins for Most Awesome Performance by Lance Henriksen in a Role Originally Made Famous by Johnny Depp.

9. The Da Vinci Code :: The Da Vinci Treasure
You guessed it, winner of the Most Awesome Performance by Lance Henriksen in a Role Originally Made Completely Boring by Tom Hanks.

8. The Fast and the Furious :: Street Racer
I'm assuming this is The Asylum's most successful film to date, simply because anybody who's dumb enough to enjoy the original Fast and Furious really isn't capable of discriminating against this third-rate knockoff. Winner of the Most Literal Title award.

7. Cloverfield :: Monster
Faux-reality "found footage" is SO hot right now! This baby gets the Balls As Big As Godzilla's award for setting the film in Tokyo, the OG home of giant-monster movies. Even JJ Abrams knew better than to go there....

6. The Exorcism of Emily Rose :: Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers
Wait, isn't that like naming your movie Awakening: The Sleepening of T.J. O'Pootertoot? This movie wins a $5 Applebee's gift card.

5. Death Race :: Death Racers
Really? Wow. So you made it... plural? Death Racers wins the Best Use of Insane Clown Posse Since That Stupid Bitch Had a Juggalo Funeral For Her Newborn Award.

4. Transformers :: Transmorphers
Unfortunately, Transmorphers does NOT follow the adventures of Optimum Pryme and his courageous band of transmorphing Autoborgs as they attempt to keep the Earth safe from the clutches of the evil Magmatron and his horde of Deceptobot minions. Earning this the Most Promised, Least Delivered award.

3. I Am Legend :: I Am Omega
Fuck it, there's no way this isn't better than I Am Legend. It automatically gets the "At Least It Doesn't Star Will Smith" nod.

2. Snakes on a Plane :: Snakes on a Train
Arguably the most well-known of The Asylum's mockbusters, this was also one of the only films released in 2006 that didn't star Samuel L. Jackson. Winner of a homemade t-shirt with the phrase "Where the Fuck is My Snakes on a Boat?" hand-lettered in Sharpie.

1. AVP: Alien Vs. Predator Requiem :: AVH: Alien Vs. Hunter
If only The Asylum had gotten Lance Henriksen to star in their rip-off version of the sequel to a film which originally starred Lance Henriksen, we might have been able to tear open a rift in the fabric of logic and reason itself. Instead they got William Katt, the Greatest American Hero, which only slightly bruised the fabric of logic and reason. This wins for Best Use of a Thesaurus to Avoid Getting Sued.


This is so amazingly awesome that I am almost ashamed to admit the fact that I was unaware of Asylum's existence. Poo on me. :(

Posted by: Penis Illin' at October 31, 2008 6:45 PM

ICP rules. Fuck out of here if you ain't down with the clown!

Posted by: Deadboy at November 1, 2008 12:37 AM
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