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April 7, 2008

{     DicE Magazine     }    


I bought my first motorcycle after hearing a local poet give a reading. One of his poems was about his vintage Triumph. I saved up as much as I could and was lucky enough to find someone that took pity on me and sold me a bike with matching numbers that was not a complete horrorshow. Looking forward to finding a group of likeminded folks that could share the love of vintage riders, I sort of forgot that the rest of the world was in the middle of drooling over marathon viewings of “American Chopper” in between marathon wank-fests over back issues of “Easy Rider”.

. . . no joke, people, if I have to talk about the merits of a windshield and a radio on a motorcycle to one more dentist wearing a leather bandanna and a $1,000 leather jacket I’ll lose my shit and go on a rampage. You’ll know it was me because you’ll be able to follow the trail of motor oil from my bike all the way back to my ghetto hideaway.

So there I was dwelling in a land of darkness and solitude until I found a copy of “DicE” magazine in my hand. Inside, I found a straightforward magazine with all the fashion commentary you need for a magazine about motorcycles (I’m personally torn between the boots edition and the tattoos edition), well designed, brief photo spreads of the featured bikes with engaging, brief write-ups, and, my absolute favorite, the back page devoted to advice from Dr. Glory (a libertine whose blunt answers to the cycle questions are often sidelined by recollections of his misspent youth). Even the ads are completely relevant to the motorcycle enthusiast that’s not into $3,000 paint-jobs or $5,000 wheel-sets. . . . You don’t have to worry about looking at animated spinning motorcycle rims that cost more than the first house that you just defaulted on when your adjustable rate mortgage spiraled beyond your control. . . it’s all shit you can reasonably afford. So reasonable you won't even have to resort to selling your grandmother's nerve pills to afford a lot of it.

If you have ever been inspired to buy a motorcycle after hearing a poem about one, you should buy a jean jacket, sew some vintage patches on it, wear it for three years straight, and then buy a subscription to this magazine. If you want to seem like you’ve been into bikes ever since you inherited the parts of the motorcycle that your great-grandfather died on whilst trying to break records on the Bonneville salt flats, you should buy every back issue of this magazine that’s still available. . . and then buy the book that collects the first four. If you’re an anarchist punk with gearhead tendencies and want to see the sorts of 1-off bikes that are being put together in the basements, garages, and woodsheds around the world. . . the bikes that are fondled by the wild-eyed and sleepless working class folks. . . you should point yourself in the direction of Hell, buy a t-shirt and poster while you’re at it. You’ll want to be on the right path to two-wheeled glory before your jerk-off neighbor comes roaring up like he just came off the set of "Scorpio Rising: part 2" and tries to talk to you about how cool his new fringed riding jacket is.



Don't all these "Wild Hawg" weekend warriors understand that when I look at them in their fresh-off-the-rack leathers all I see is a second-rate version of Lorenzo Lamas from "Renegade"?

These guys are starting to make the fags who dry-hump rice-rockets while wearing color-coordinated purple jumpsuits look tough.

Posted by: Adam at April 8, 2008 8:53 PM

It's like the difference between Big Brother and Transworld, one lives it and feels it and one just sells it. I like and I don't even have a friggin motorcycle!

Posted by: Jesse at April 8, 2008 9:54 PM

Michael is in the house ....a welcomed addition!

Posted by: Manuel at April 9, 2008 2:56 AM

Most impressive here is the lack of a reference to Mr. Andrew Clay the ultimate biker poser.

Posted by: Aaron at April 9, 2008 1:40 PM
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