you wrote this whole thing just so you could type "man-pussy" didn't you?!?!?!
Email to Eric:
From: "Chad Montgomery"
Subject: For the love of all that's Holy....
Date: Sat, 06 Nov 2004 09:39:37 -0500
WHY? and I ask you, WHY? Why did that self righteous bastard change the end of Return of the Jedi? Why didn't he just go back and
re-write the fucking Bible? Christ was stapled to a fence for a few moments and then let down, stabbed in the side with a butter knife, and a crown of slightly irritating thumb tacks was set upon his head. In place of Judas we shall write Randy the Macho Man Savage in to the scene and he will smash the savior's head in to a turn buckle.
I proudly walked in to my local Blockbuster and picked up my pre-purchased copy of the Star Wars DVD trilogy. Eagerly I stroked the silver and black boxed set cover. A New Hope came out shinier than I ever imagined. The colors displayed by the DVD mastering process were fantastically amazing. I began to believe that the bitter coil of my jaded self could begin to forgive that grey bearded, flannel wearing bastard for screwing with my childhood. The Empire Strikes Back in it's new and shiny format showed a
verdant side of Dagobah that could only be imagined. My spirits were lifted and I again was taken back to a simpler time where the
pressures of the adult world were distant, and underoos were comforting. Finally my favorite film of the trilogy, Return of the
Jedi got it's turn in my cheap assed DVD player. A real and genuine smile lit my face, you know the kind I get after severe flatulence? Then the end scene, thought of by Harrison Ford as the teddy bear picnic, flashed about with the less annyoing Ewok music. Remember the part in Total Recall where Arnold got thrown out in to Mars'
depressurized atmosphere, and he began to turn inside out? Yeah that was me. A lurch in my stomach told me I was moments away from
punching a Nun in outrage. For the love of disco, why in the hell did he put Hayden Christiansen in to that scene? A kid with the
acting prowess of a very blandly colored house plant? It's enough to drive a man to Star Trek.
I was compelled to write you and vent, convinced you might be suffering as well. We are young and he is old. George Lucas will be dead in a few years. When he is buried, we owe it to our
collective childhoods to take a steaming dump on his grave.