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September 29, 2004

{     Star Wars Trilogy     }    

I'd heard about these movies for years, but since I'm so over VHS, I had to wait until they finally came out on DVD to see what the fuss was all about. It was worth the wait! Star Wars is really just a love story at heart. It's basically about these two super-gay robots who are totally into each other, even though they have completely opposite personalities! One robot is all prim and proper (a total "bottom" though) who is extremely cultured, fluent in over six million forms of communication, and totally vain! His lover is a squat little guy who's a real blue-collar Joe- always working on mechanical things, getting all down and dirty, with a real "can-do" attitude and a sense of adventure that his tightly-wound "partner" just can't handle! There's all kinds of DRAMA! going on as these two struggle to express their true feelings for one another and work through their relationship. It all starts when they decide to "get away from it all", and steal an adorably tiny little space-ship so they can hit the beach on Tatooine. The uppity one, C-3PO, is all pissy about the sand getting in his crack, and he's being a real whiny bitch, not willing to take any chances. The short one, R2-D2, is all about experimentation and exploring new things which leads to a HUGE arguement. 3PO's being all conservative and passive, while R2's trying to make things happen in a vigorous youthful way (I know, it's so totally Ben and Michael from Queer As Folk!) and they end up splitting up. R2 ends up cruising some back alleys, looking for some action in a dark creepy canyon, but you know his heart really isn't in it- he's practically in tears. He gets jumped by a band of midget pimps, and thrown into the back of their big-ass ride. Meanwhile, 3PO has ended up on board as well, and he's totally trying to hook-up with some other droids when he happens to run into R2. He plays it off like he's just so happy to see R2. As if! 3PO was three seconds away from totally breaking one off in that Gonk droid's cock-socket! Anyway, some crusty old redneck and his shit-kicking nephew end up buying them off the gang of little pimps. (I think they're called Jawas, but they should totally be called JEWas, because they keep trying to rip-off these broke-ass dirt-farmers! Stereotypes rule!) Just when you think you're about to see some Deliverance-style backwoods robo-fucking, R2 escapes! A chase ensues, with 3PO and the aforementioned shit-kicking nephew, Luke, trying to run down that hot little piece of droid ass. They eventually find him in some creepy canyon (R2's got a thing for dark crevasses! tee-hee!) and end up getting jumped by some hardcore bull-queers who are way too into the whole "modern primitive" thing. Luckily, some old chickenhawk shows up and saves them all, probably looking for some farm-boy action as a payback. Our two robo-lovers are reunited just in time for another spat, this time over a video some Princess slipped R2. 3PO seems concerned that R2's been keeping secrets from him, and the thought of a woman laying hands on his man ties his circuits in a knot. Everybody decides to cool things off by heading into town to get a Zima at the local cantina. Apparently there's a shortage of quality droid man-pussy in the galaxy, because everybody seems to want to get their hands on 3PO and R2! Some Aryan leatherboys in shiny white armor totally try to pick them up as they're heading into town, but the old man waves them off. Then something really distasteful happens. I'd like to think that we've come a long way since the days of lifestyle intolerance, but occasionally I'm brutally reminded that some people just can't deal with the thought of two robots pursuing a loving and consensual same-sex relationship. As they are attempting to enter the local bar, 3PO and R2 are told "We don't allow their kind in here." by the establishment's embittered (and totally closeted) barkeep. I mean, come on, what is this- like, 1983 or something? The two reluctantly leave and seek out a nice quiet spot where they can score some much needed alone time, while Luke and the old man get their drink on. The old man ends up booking a cruise with a space-ship captain who's got a definite "bear" fetish. There's some scuffle in the bar, and the next thing I know everybody's running nilly-willy, lasers are flying everywhere, and people are shouting. (Honestly, you'd think it was Guy's Night at The Manhole!) Eventually, they all take off in some junky-looking spaceship, (Where's Carson and the Queer Eye make-over crew when you need them?) and head out for some resort planet. Things take a turn for the worse when the planet they're looking for is totally blown up! They end up getting sucked into some kinky S&M dungeon, full of Nazi closet-cases, all led by a guy with a thing for helmets, capes and auto-erotic asphyxiation. There's some sneaking around, a jail-break, the old guy gets killed, and R2 totally saves everybody's asses from getting squashed in a trash compactor. 3PO squeals with delight. Then a whole bunch of other stuff happens, but I lost interest for a few minutes. Everybody was wearing orange jumpsuits (how gauche!) and climbing into dirty space-ships, talking about blowing up this giant disco ball thingy. R2 and 3PO are separated yet again, as R2 goes off to fight to make the galaxy safe for he and his companion. There's a really touching moment in the midst of the big space battle where R2 (back in yet another dark and menacing canyon) helps Luke guide his torpedo into the hole, while the ghost of the old man lets Luke know that sometimes you have to use Force- it's the only way to get it in there at the right angle. The whole thing ends with a big explosion, lots of cheering, hugs and loud music (again, just like Guy's Night at The Manhole). As things draw to a close we see R2 and 3PO, buffed to a shiny glow, finally able to express their love for one another in a world free of lifestyle-oppression. Apparently there's two other movies and a disc full of "special features" in this box-set as well, but really I was much too exhausted after the first one to bother with anything else. Definitely the most *fabulous* sci-fi same-sex love story I've ever seen!

     » Buy it...


you wrote this whole thing just so you could type "man-pussy" didn't you?!?!?!

Posted by: shane at September 30, 2004 2:20 AM

Email to Eric:
From: "Chad Montgomery"
To: ***************
Subject: For the love of all that's Holy....
Date: Sat, 06 Nov 2004 09:39:37 -0500

WHY? and I ask you, WHY? Why did that self righteous bastard change the end of Return of the Jedi? Why didn't he just go back and
re-write the fucking Bible? Christ was stapled to a fence for a few moments and then let down, stabbed in the side with a butter knife, and a crown of slightly irritating thumb tacks was set upon his head. In place of Judas we shall write Randy the Macho Man Savage in to the scene and he will smash the savior's head in to a turn buckle.

I proudly walked in to my local Blockbuster and picked up my pre-purchased copy of the Star Wars DVD trilogy. Eagerly I stroked the silver and black boxed set cover. A New Hope came out shinier than I ever imagined. The colors displayed by the DVD mastering process were fantastically amazing. I began to believe that the bitter coil of my jaded self could begin to forgive that grey bearded, flannel wearing bastard for screwing with my childhood. The Empire Strikes Back in it's new and shiny format showed a
verdant side of Dagobah that could only be imagined. My spirits were lifted and I again was taken back to a simpler time where the
pressures of the adult world were distant, and underoos were comforting. Finally my favorite film of the trilogy, Return of the
Jedi got it's turn in my cheap assed DVD player. A real and genuine smile lit my face, you know the kind I get after severe flatulence? Then the end scene, thought of by Harrison Ford as the teddy bear picnic, flashed about with the less annyoing Ewok music. Remember the part in Total Recall where Arnold got thrown out in to Mars'
depressurized atmosphere, and he began to turn inside out? Yeah that was me. A lurch in my stomach told me I was moments away from
punching a Nun in outrage. For the love of disco, why in the hell did he put Hayden Christiansen in to that scene? A kid with the
acting prowess of a very blandly colored house plant? It's enough to drive a man to Star Trek.

I was compelled to write you and vent, convinced you might be suffering as well. We are young and he is old. George Lucas will be dead in a few years. When he is buried, we owe it to our
collective childhoods to take a steaming dump on his grave.

Posted by: Chadrow at December 7, 2004 11:52 PM
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