You probably have heard the music, you may have seen the videos. What I hope you have not seen is the clothing line. For Chicks On Speed, "clothing line" is not the female equivalent of Pharrel's Billionaire Something venture(bad idea. And I am not the only one to think it that way), nor it is similar to the small collection clearly designed not by her but by professionists and sold online by Gwen Stephani (interesting: her CDs sell for 10$ and her clothes can be priced for more than 300$?), and does not even resembles the collaboration with corporation with worldwide distribution H&M, as Madonna (more about this later, yes?).
No, their "clothing line" definitely deserve brackets since it is not a "line" at all: aside for the usual tour t-shirts, they make clothes meaning they saw everything themselves and the copies produced are probably less than 10. And until here everything would be cool. Unless you were actually to look at the clothes produced.
Ever seen the video for Wordy Rappinghood? Or for We Don't Play Guitars? Chicks on Speed appears like that in my worst nightmares, like the Erinyes coming to punish me for constantly leaving my sister under the snow in my dreams when I was a toddler.
And they are wearing their "clothes".
If you have not seen either videos (lucky you!), I will just mention there is a lot of fluo ribbon, glow in the dark stuff, mixed with fake newspaper print. And put together like not even hurricane Katrina could do... They do not look like clothes at all: truly scary as a whole. And yet... C.O.S. are convinced to be doing high fashion: one of their singles was indeed titled Fashion Rules, and if seeing these "clothes" on video was not enough for a lifetime, they actually went on and sold an entire line online (from their own site).
And honestly, for me this is has become the proof that you can be totaly talentless even if you study art in Munich.
The "clothes line" attempt lasted a while and it luckily seems to be over now. It was pretty obvious they were saving on materials, since most garments had the same newspaper print on it, as if they bought this roll of fabric they were trying to use up in any possible way. And despite this, the prices were pretty damn high! The only two pieces left for sale are currently tagged at 150 euros for a mini skirt and 100 for a sleeveless top (no, actually a "urban camo dimensional dress"...). What they did with the rest is a mistery: that ugly dress really got sold out? And what about the crazily priced "coat"? (Two new accessories, a bag and a "helmet" are more reasonably priced, but not less ugly)
Despite the bad turnout, these three girls are not yet about to give up. Sadly. This year they presented their new "marvel": It's a project by Chicks on Speed, which should be an art edition of sort, but in reailty is an expensive piece of junk. Even retailers do not really know how to identify the nature of this...thing, for lack of a better word.
100 euros (but already half price on Amazon) for a pretentious book (each page is a handwriting gibrish of sort, the content quite too thin to be called a book) put into a simple cloth bag, a poster, CD with live tracks, "unisex shift dress" (so many men I can imagine wearing this...) and a pattern for overalls which the band originally intended as a "paper dress": basically another piece of DIY shit...
What about consider yourself already very lucky since your music is being sold and you are given the chance to tour the world? Making clothes is not mandatory in the music world, you know?? Especially if you are just not able to make them...
P.S. I have not even mentioned pop divas making their own clothes. Not worth the time. But for Madonna one word must be spent: does she really need the extra 5 millions (totally arbitrary guess here) to accept to put her name on the H&M Madonna & Crew line? Get this: H&M official annoucement itself states clearly Madame will only wear high design clothes (by one of the golden French designers) during the tour these clothes are meant for. And this is no surprise really: she is too filthy rich to wear cheap H&M!
Therefore these clothes will only be worn by her staff of dancers, press agents and what not. And this operation resembles an old regal habit: the leftovers being thrown to the dogs, this time by the superb queen of pop..
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Since this retro-mania started, we had to swallow up lots of shit, from having to wear dust smelling clothes out of our mother's chest of drawers (it has not been hidden away in the basement for 30 years by mistake...), to having to worship anything branded 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and even 90s as fashionable. And this despite just before this insane trend started, we were all laughing away at how bad some of this decades were: how ridiculous the hairdoes in the 80s, how unimmaginative the minimalism of the early 90s, how laughable most of the music produced in those times (just recently, visiting a Keithe Haring exhibition, the gallery distributed for download all the music that inspired Haring: unbelievable how pathetic and dated it was, when compared to the very contemporary appeal of the artwork).
And now, the icons of those years, taken out of their coffins, dusted and polished, are again considered stars. Even if probably what interest us is how dramatic their decades away from the spotlights have been, submerged in their millions, more than their actual personality.
As for everything, everybody is trying to cash in on retromania. And what can be best than creating trivia games to learn all about our recent golden eras? Trivial Puruit itself has invested time and money in a 90s Edition and in the more glamourous Totally 80s, this one being the topic of this post.
Because Trivial Pursuit Totally 80s has more to it than a dec of cards. They have called in a bunch of third line 80s icons to star on this marvel. And a real 80s star, Cindi Lauper, now 53, (to recycle herself) to direct them all in the commercial for the game.
The ad itself has everything you would imagine the 80s to be: ugly flashy clothes, retarded dance moves, the mandatory checked floor. The only thing they have spared us is the big, exagerate hairdo (I am afraid for that there will never be a comeback). But for the rest is all there.
These once-celebrities, today monikers of themselves are sort of pathetic and if it was not for Kelly LeBrock (which is the only one I can identify clearly in the bunch) still looking amazingly sexy, it would be pretty cringible to look these people act as if it was still 1984.
And if this was not bad enough, Cindi Lauper has also recorded the song for the commercial, a vague reminder of her "Girls just wanna have fun" with much less interesting lyrics: she repeats endlessly "Trivial Pursuit, totally 80s!!!".
I wonder how far the once-celebrities are able to go to get five more minutes of fame. Or five more millions.
Funny to see Cindi morphing into a "material girl"...
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I think the only reason I hated this as much as I did is I was expecting so much more. First he crotch teases me with the "Let me get weddy" and then he cuts to his fly Nintendo goods, THEN after he's got me I'm all chunky, down there, nothing. A choppy unintelligible Mario rap?
(slide whistle sound effect backwards).
What a disappointment, this is nowhere near the quality that I've come to expect from watching four days straight of Ghost Ride The Whip videos on YouTube!
{ untitledPretty Ricky -- Happy Birthday to Our Most Popular Drown Ever }
I want to thank God and almighty Jesus for giving this Drown the strength to survive an entire year. Big props to all the re-res who kept it alive, posting their insane barely-understandishable ramblings month after month. And the biggest thanks of all go out to the boys in Pretty Ricky for keeping it real.
Real gay.
Really really fagtastic, in fact.
Good job fellas, you fucking suck.
Boy-band cRunk&B pantywastes Pretty Ricky would love to be the next New Edition or Boyz II Men, but they come off more like a thugged-out third-rate Backstreet Boys. Their lukewarm hit "Grind With Me" is the kind of throwaway slow-jam that makes Usher look tough, and with a name like Pretty Ricky the whole thing just gives off this post-prison down-low hook-up vibe.
If their name alone isn't geigh enough for you, check-out the roll-call: Slick 'Em, Baby Blue, Spectacular, and Pleasure. Printed in any other context, you'd likely assume I were talking about a line of specially scented anal-sex lube or maybe running down a list of potential candidates auditioning for the Nine Inch Males dance troupe.
I didn't actually despise Pretty Ricky until seeing them interviewed on an episode of Weekend Vibe, where each member was given their chance to shine. These kids are dumb even for their age, and every word that came out of their mouths was some cookie-cutter wannabe gangsta shit. I'd like to take a moment to quote my man Louis Logic:
"Whatcha think cause ya neck and ya wrist go bling that ya shit don't stink?
Faggot asses doin' the Sisqo thing in a thong, y'all ain't never had a inkling of thinkin' of bringin' it on.
Take my advice shorty, before I make your life story the same shit R&B bitches sing in a song...
(chorus)
You need street smarts for retards, Cause y'all ain't thugs y'all sweethearts.
So ya better not come around these parts, Ya hear three barks and then see dark...."« Collapse